Another again.

Be warned it could be the hormones rearing their ugly little mind altering heads again, but I am feeling…out of place. Out of sorts. Conflicted. Confused and Bewildered. And a little sad.

I’ve taken to drinking by myself. It always starts out with the best of intentions. “I’ll just have a beer.” So I have it but realize that I don’t have any food. So instead of putting it away (I can’t drink and not eat) I drink it. Then I’m drunkish and keenly aware of my alone-ness. So I open another and sink into one of those inner contemplative states that leaves one cognizant enough to form thoughts and complete sentences, but unable to hold on to the cheerful demeanor that colors my sobriety. I stay away from making actual phone calls but do treat myself to three way texting. So far, I have told Mich, heretofore to be called LoPro, that I am unsure of the security of our friendship, told Krispy I didn’t feel like being bothered, tried to bait Al into buying me a pizza, attempted to re-seduce Holiday while sending out a feeler to Patches.

What’s that bit about idle hands and Satan?

First, LoPro. We’re friends and I adore him, don’t get me wrong. But I don’t feel like we’re necessarily real life friends. He has a lot of his buddies from back home down here and that’s awesome. Like all male person’s of a certain age, he is in constant pursuit of substantial female companionship. I can’t begrudge him that either. But somehow, all of this leaves me on the outside, connected to him I feel largely by proximity. When we are together in school, we do have quite a good time. We have a natural chemistry and we clicked immediately. But somehow I can’t get it out of my head how this would not be a friendship sustained in the real world. There’s about a four year age difference and life differences….I don’t think he actually knows anything about me. He may be one of my closest friends at Full Sail but he doesn’t know me at all. And it’s my fault.

Aeon. My other bff. He’s graduating in a matter of days and then he’s moving back to the NYC. The two of us haven’t seen much of each other lately, either. Scheduling and whatnot have kept us apart as well as my rampant fear of intimacy. See, Aeon likes me. I’ve deflected his affection enough that it has boiled down to a simple case of lust but I have become fearful that if I hang out with him at all then I will immediately lose my panties.

I interrupt myself to post this important update- My sister, Ari just shot me an email and this is the beauty I found in my inbox:

Passing time with you in mind

It’s another quiet night

Feel the ground against my back

Count the stars against the black

Think about another day

Wishing I was far away

Wherever I dreamed I was

You were there with me

(Chorus)

Sister, I hear you laugh

My heart fills full up

Keep me please

Sister, when you cry

I feel your tears

Running down my face

Sister, sister, keep me

I hope you always know it’s true

I would never make it through

You could make the sun go dark

Just by walking away

Playing like we used to play

Like it would never go away

I feel you beating in my chest

I’d be dead without

(Chorus)

Sister, I hear you laugh

My heart fills full up

Keep me please

Sister, when you cry

I feel your tears

Running down my face

Sister, sister, you keep me

I hope you always know it’s true

I would never make it through

You could make the heavens fall

Just by walking away

(Chorus)

Sister, I hear you laugh

My heart fills full up

Keep me please

Sister, when you cry

I feel your tears

Running down my face

Sister, sister, you keep me

sister- dave matthews

to my two sisters who keep my head on straight. i couldn’t have asked for more.

love you

Perfect timing. My isolation has suddenly become very remote.